It's Dilly Dally time

Exitlude

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:56:43 GMT

Well people it's the end of the line for me. I'm done writing my personal things for a public that doesn't really exists. Either way I won't get anything in return for putting these things down on a web page. My happiness, my pain, it's all a thing of the past now. And I learned that I can't rely on someone to be happy for the rest of my life. So I bid you all farewell and what better way than to sing it to you all?

Aggressively, we all defend the role we play
Regrettably, time’s come to send you on your way
We’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain
It doesn’t really matter don’t you worry it’ll all work out
No it doesn’t even matter don’t you worry what it’s all about

We hope you enjoyed your stay
It’s good to have you with us, even if it’s just for the day
We hope you enjoyed your stay
Outside the sun is shining, seems like heaven ain’t far away
It’s good to have you with us
Even if it’s just for the day
It’s good to have you with us even if it’s just for the day
Outside the sun is shining, seems like heaven ain’t far away

Cheers! To a new life, to new friends, to new opportunities, to new love, and to a new tomorrow. Take care now and til' then...see you later. ^___^

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 05:13:22 GMT

don't hold on
go get strong
well don't you know
there is no modern romance

Time, time is gone
it stops stops who it wants
well i was wrong
it never lasts
there is no
this is no modern romance

in time, time is gone
never lasts, stops who he was
well i was wrong
never lasts

this is no
there is no modern romance
there is no modern romance
this is no modern romance
there is no there is no

Y Control

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:04:58 GMT

Don't be surprise to see me here again. I just can't help it. Or control it.

I'm back from where I began again. Pretty stupid huh? Yeah, I thought so myself. Everyone else disagrees, they say it's just a phase; which in turn makes it sound a lot worse -like a disease of some sort. I was feeling a lot better though, and I must say I have improved a lot since last time. Friends, family, college, even work -surprisingly- have helped me forget little by little, or so I thought. All this time I thought I was beginning to forget, it made me feel good about myself. Made me feel like I'm strong and I can move on, but I haven't forgotten anything at all. I was just being distracted, thats all. Feelings come and go over time. They come and go like the breeze in San Juan and just like the breeze there is no stopping it. There is no control and it frustrates me. It frustrates me and it irritates me. I haven't moved on at all. I'm back from where I started and it ticks me off. I have all these emotions inside of me, all these memories...if only I could just literary grab on to them and just rip them out and place them into a jar...then maybe I'll be able to relax and be at ease. Maybe then I'll be happier and free. But for now, and for ever, all I can do is admit, but not surrender (I can't surrender something that is not wanted) just admit. And I confess that throughout everything else that has happened, and everything that is happening, I must confess that I still love him. I love him and I want him, and I would do anything for him.

Pretty stupid huh? Yeah, I thought so myself.

The Gift

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 05:36:03 GMT

"Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas y feliz día de San Valentín flaco!"
-said the cake lady at my job after she handed over the cake I've always wanted.

The cake I asked for on my birthday that no one gave me, the one I wanted for christmas but my mum couldn't afford, and all the chocolate I could ever ask for from Saint Valentine's day; it was all given to me by a "stranger" from my job. That woman, she's one in a million. She's the only thing I will miss from when I leave this job.

In case you were wondering which cake she gave me it's this one:

"Take a moment to pamper yourself. Luscious Udderly Cream ice cream mixed with chocolate flakes and fudge, enveloped with the dreamiest, creamiest chocolate imaginable. Dressed wtih chocolate flakes and perfect pirouettes. Relax, Enjoy!"

Sayonara bitches.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:02:02 GMT

Well I have no use for this piece of shit. Don't mind any of the things I've written on this journal, it was all for nothing; or it helped people stab me in the back. You pick one.

Good bye. Won't be hearing from me for a long time, or never. Toodles!

karma

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 04:32:50 GMT

Screw, it feels like I'm fighting a loosing battle. I keep having these strong feelings over him and I just can't shake them. I just know I messed up everything back then, he's just to nice he doesn't want to admit to those things I guess. I just know I can make it happen if I do my best to grow as a man and an individual. I seriously don't give a SHIT about what other people think about this. Those people obviously have never been in love before, therefor they can't understand my situation.

As of lately...

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 00:45:30 GMT

La vida ya no es igual.

Decidí escribir esta sección es español porque en verdad no tengo ganas de estar pensando mucho en inglés, so que whatever.

Bueno pues que digo? Nada, la universidad empezó todo bien. Conocí nuevas amistades durante el receso de vacaciones en las navidades, algo muy diferente para mi. Las navidades me supieron a mierda y año nuevo tambien. Reyes fue muy aburrido y en verdad no hay nada que contar. Mi hermano mayor estuvo durante las vacaciones pero en verdad no senti nada. Supongo porque casi nunca estuve en Ponce ya que Maggie Moo me puso días super random. Para ser sincero ya Maggie como que me esta sacando por techo. Anyhow, pues volviendo al tema de la universidad, todos los profesores son nuevos excepto la de historia del arte. Esa me cae super bien. Sigo insistiendo que "I would go straight for her". Ella es una de las muy pocas personas que hacen sentido en este mundo (el otro es mi perro Pochaco). Tengo un profesor demente para la clase de literatura puertorriqueña que me importa tres divinos, pero desgraciadamente tengo que cojerla. No me interesa lo que ofrece de literatura este pedazo de mierda corrupta que flota sobre el Mar Caribe que llamamos Puerto Rico, pero son creditos que hay que cojer. Estoy emocionado por la clase de Fundamentos Gráficos, tiene que ver con lo que "hacia" mi ex que son los grabados. Siempre me estuvo interesante y quise aprender de él, pero nunca tuvo el tiempo para decirme. Ahora pues ya por fin me pude matricular a esa clase y le sacaré el mejor provecho de ésta. Tambien estoy cogiendo la clase de animación con un profesor super lindo. Me da ansias pensar de la clase como tal ya que ésta es mi concentración y que por fin aprenderé a hacer lo que tengo que hacer paraq mi futuro. El profesor dijo que es muy trabajosa, pero vale la pena. Solo espero que yo tenga tiempo para todas las clases. Tengo tambien la clase de Principios escultóricos, básicamente lo mismo que cojí el primer semestre de escultura solo que más avanzado. La escultura no me interesa en nada, es muy complicada y trabajosa y no le sacaré ningún provecho de ella. El profesor, en cambio, me sorprendió con sus obras de escultura. Nunca había visto cosa igual: mezcla lo orgánico con lo geométrico en formas que nunca me pude imaginar. Espero quedarme con algo bueno de esta clase.

Ahora para la vida social.
Bueno, no se ni cómo empezar...
Ehh, mis amistades han ido cambiando poco a poco desde que mi ex me dejo. Nada ha sido igual desde ese maldito día. Hay mucha especulación y secreteo y eso me encojona bien cabrón. He decidido dejarlo todo atras con el morir del invierno, pero las malditas dudas siguen ahi y ahi. Todavía sigo soñando con él y rara la vez "daydreaming". No me importa nada de lo que me digan sobre esto porque ya lo he oido todo. Solo quisiera que me dejen quieto con esto. Me siento como una grabadora repitiendo lo mismo todo el tiempo. Pienso que todavia él es lo mejor que hay. Tengo que ser honesto por que sé que esto es lo que hay y no puedo cambiar de pensar. Creo que ya ni hago sentido cuando hablo. Algunas veces me dan ganas de salir corriendo y nunca regresar. Quiero largarme de esta isla y dejar a todo atrás, pero eso me doliera muchísimo. Las cosas como quieran no van muy bien aqui, y ya estamos considerando irnos para Florida. Quién sabe? Quizas en uno o dos años. O mejor aún, y volviendo a lo inevitable, que él se vaya a Italia y este feliz allá donde siempre ha querido ir. Solo quiero, en fin, verlo sonreir. Si solo nosotros nunca nos hubieramos conocido, si solo nunca le hubiese dicho a José que me llevase aquel día, no estuvieramos así de mal, no estuviese tan patético y miserable sobre una sola persona. Nadie entiende, ni él mismo. Entiendo que con todo esto debo de decepcionar a muchos, pero no me importa. No es su vida sino la mia.

Qué mas, qué mas? Bueno pensaba que a lo mejor ya iba a tener mas tiempo en mis manos para hacer otras cosas. Pero no es así. He estado frustrado como artista porque realizé (y no se si se escribe así ó si hay una palabra como tal) que no he hecho tres carajos que lo que se supone que haya hecho, pero hay muchos peores que yo. Como quiera me propuse en, como ya he perdido inspiración en dibujar, pintar todos los dibujos con photoshop y afinar mis destrezas a la misma vez. Pero como ya he visto no todo sigue bien por mucho tiempo, y mi tableta de WACOM (lo que uso para dibujar en mi computadora) se acabo de dañar. Mierda. Tengo que comprar uno nuevo y no son nada de baratos. He decidido comprar una libretita para dibujar cualquier bobería ya que no se me entra nada en la mente desde hacen dos meses aproximadamente.

Lo último es que mi querido perro esta muy enfermo y esta bajo medicamento. Espero que se recupere lo mas pronto posible. Sin él ahi si que yo no encontraría que hacer. Y por último ayer fui a ver Cloverfield (que por cierto, el subtítulo de éste fue "Monstruo") y me fue muy decepcionante. Una razón fue por que me pareció como un trailer extendido por una hora y que me quede con las ganas de saber más sobre el monstruo como tal. La otra es que desde el año pasado quise verla con mi novio que ahora es mi ex. No se, siento como si hubiera sido halgo que tenia que hacer y no se pudo por razones que no se sin son ciertas. Ya ni se quien dice la verdad o no. Lo hubiera disfrutado más al lado de alguien que sabía mucho y tenía cierta pasión por la misma, y mi ex era la persona para eso. Pero claro, amistades "got in the way and all". Me siento muy muy mal acerca de ésto, pero pasará no?

Nada, con esto termino porque creo que he escrito un montón por un solo día. Solo se me acumuló un poco.
Espero lo mejor de este nuevo semestre y nuevo año. Adiós por ahora.

What's the prescription, Doc?

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 07:20:11 GMT

The following is a real conversation I had with a friend of mine. I only changed a few things: the identity of this person plus I added another character to the conversation, my mind. This one I have named Onix. What do I expect with posting such intimate matter? Not much, just to be understood and left alone. This goes for everyone.

Me: how r ya Doctor?
Doc: pues bien y tu? Hablaba con tu ex hace un momento.
Me: hable con el orita, pa ver cloverfield
Doc: ...?
Onix: great. Here it comes.
Me: anyway si hablamos de lo mas bn. El no tiene nada en contra mia. Let's just leave it at that
Doc: yo no estoy diciendo que tenga nada en contra tuya. Solo que su actitud a veces no se entiende
Me: lo se. Pero no le dije nada pq esta touchy, pero algun dia se lo dejare saber
Onix: more like never.
Doc: el siempre esta touchy, si las cosas no se hacen como el las quiere
Me: hmph! el tiene q aprender q no todo se da como el las kiere
Onix: damn right!
Doc: ...
Me: cambiemos el tema eh? no me siento bn.
Doc: sigue en lo que hacias no te molesto mas, pero una cosa erick, pasa la pagina ya ustedes no estan en la misma sintonia
Onix: shit...
Me: lo menos q kiero escuchar es eso...y lo se, pero no me puedo controlar
Doc: ok, sorry por hacerte sentir mal, pero no me voy a sentar a darte esperanzas solo para que te sientas mejor
Me: no me puedo controlar y no se en q pensar, pero trato lo mejor q puedo
Doc: puedes pensar en las cosas que quieres hacer con tu vida sin incluir a joey. Es una muy buena alternativa
Onix: ...but the promises...
Me: lo se, pero......no se q decir. No se como explicar
Doc: es facil, aun lo quieres y piensas que el es la unica persona que te puede hacer feliz, ahora bien, el no es la unica persona y tienes que ocupar tu mente en otras cosas
Me: lo se. Todo lo se. Todo lo q todos dicen ya lo se, y me lo repiten, pero no se, hay algo q me aguanta todavia y no se cmo explicarlo, ni se q es, pero lo q sea q es todavia es tan fuerte q me hace llorar algunas veces....and i thought i was over that.
Doc: pues lo que sea, dejalo ir, se que todo el mundo lo dice y que no es facil pasar de la palabra a la accion, pero es la unica manera de salir del hoyo
Onix: no entiendes.
Me: pero esa es la jodiendaaaaaaaaaaa!!! q no se como dejarlo ir!! obviamente lo hubiese dejado ir hace rato no crees? no me gusta llorar ni sentirme asi. Creo q 6 years conociendolo a el me afecto grandemente.
Doc: pues si no te gusta, pues lo que necesitas es distancia
Me: lo necesito ver, necesito saber de el, se convirtio en una necesidad creo...suena feo, verdad?
Onix: obviously...
Doc: si, bastante
Me: lo amo. sin importar todo. simplemente asi. im going to have to live with it.
Doc: por dios erick !! carajo el tipo te mando al CARAJO!!! sal del viaje pon los pies en la tierra!!!!!!!
Onix: he did, didn't he?
Me: ya te dije q no lo puedo controlar! Se eso! Obvio?!!? y rompio las promesas, todas! especialmente la del aniversario! q dijo q nunca me iba a dejar y q se comprometio conmigo, pero todavia lo amo.
Doc: pero nada, como puedes tu amar a alguien que te trato tan mal??? eso es no tener ni una pizca de amor propio
Onix: still don't get it...
Me: nadie sabe cuan bn el me trato. Claro q tenia sus bajas, todo el mundo las tiene, pero joey es tan bello, y eso ustedes no lo ven. Aunque obviamente el no los trato como me trato a mi por un year.
Doc: tu sabes que, mejor dejemos esto aqui, tu estas ciego totalmente ciego, es decir joey es mi amigo a quien quiero y adoro, pero como te dejo y todas las cosas que hizo no son aceptables, ahora bien si tu aceptas todo eso como bueno y quieres seguir sufriendo viendolo a el hacer su vida y tu nada. Alla tu, porque hasta que tu mismo no te ayudes a salir del hoyo no ahy mas nada que hacer
Onix: low blow.
Me: Ow. You know ur not so far from wt lyri said to me b4 blocking me. Pero ur not getting the point here. Te dije q se todo, y obviamente se q me trato mal y todo eso, pero el no me trataba asi 24/7. La otra cara q ustedes no ven, ni veran pq yo solo la vi, esa es la q amo. Pero si, se q tengo q hacer todo lo q me dijistes y lo q todos dicen,pero no se hacerlo.
Doc: no perate-
Me: -pq ya trate todo-
Doc: no es que DEBAS de hacer lo que nosotros decimos, es que nosotros te queremos mucho, eres una persona bien linda y nos duele ver que el sigue su vida como si nada y tu estas sufriendo, eso es todo
Me: YO se q debo hacerlo pq yo obviamente se q me esta haciendo da~o, perooooooooooooooooooooo el punto es q no se q debo hacer. Lo intente todo. Pero hay algo "invisible" por decirlo asi q es lo q me tiene atado y eso es lo q no puedo controlar
Doc: pues si lo intentas todo y nada funciona lo que queda es poner distancia.
Onix: not this again...
Me: ya hice eso
Doc: nop, pq aun esta en tu msn y tienes mensajes de el en tu cell. Borra numero, sacalo de tu email, pon distancia.
Onix: Got you cornered.
Me: i cant do that
Doc: oh well
Me: u think its that? but i want him in my life, i dont want to erase him
Doc: its not erase him, is just getting some time off. Just that
Me: pero si borro todo eso no tendre manera de contactarlo
Doc: esa es la idea. a ver si asi se te sale del sistema. Piensa en ello como si fuera un exorcismo. pero nada, cada quien tiene una manera diferente de ver las cosas.
Me: jejeje. Im sorry for letting you down
Doc: no pienses eso. Tampoco te puedo poner a pensar como yo pienso
Me: nada. cmo empece todo esto, ya yo ni se q pensar.
Doc: es extraño lo se, pero se lo dejaremos al tiempo
Onix: that's what he said back then.
Me: oh yes, time...
Doc: yeah time, it works.

Onix: Time will tell, but don't get your hopes up.

Life as a cow

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:43:06 GMT

Today was the first day I had to dress up as a mascot, in my case my job's mascot: Maggie Moo.

It was very, very hot.

Jones Soda Cap said:

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:33:16 GMT

"Your mind, being creative and original, will make you famous."

Personal Note: This is the first Jones soda I purchase.

Memo

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 06:06:35 GMT

And would, if you could, turn that mighty clock to that long fateful night?
Would you do the whole thing all over again?
Knowing what you know now? Knowing what you knew then?

Wouldn't you?

A sister

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 13:30:50 GMT

It's official, my bro's getting married on July 12. I still can't believe he's actually gonna go through this. We're all very excited about this wedding. We finally met the whole family yesterday at a reunion in Rio Grande. Turns out her family is just as crazy as mine. We got along just fine. The bride's mum is crazy about the whole idea, but in turn also very sad. Ingrid (the bride) is an only child and by marrying my brother she's accepting his invitation to go live with him at Texas, leaving her mum all alone. Ingrid's parents are divorced. Her mum decided not to get married again, a noble act, and her dad (which looks like a manly version of her) married again with another woman.

Anyway, party was great and so was the food. After dinner my bro got up and said some few things about how he propose and all, and how much this meant to him. Ingrid cried throughout the whole thing. Mum got up and said some things also, so did dad and her parents. By the end of the night we were accepted as family and had a great time with all of them. The wedding is gonna be great! Can't wait to see the chemistry between her family and mine.

I'm happy for both of them.

Dejame llorar

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 08:13:29 GMT

Cuanto vacio hay en esta habitación,
tanta pasión colgada en la pared.
Cuanta dulzura diluyendose en el tiempo,
tantos otoños contigo y sin ti, solo.
Millones de hojas cayendo en tu cuerpo,
otoños de llanto goteando en tu piel.

Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila,
sobre una alfombra de hierba
ibas volando dormida.
un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida
con una lágrima tuya y una lágrima mía.
Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila
sobre una alfombra de hierba
ibas volando dormida.
Con una estrella fugaz te confundí la otra noche
y te pedí tres deseos
mientras duraba tu luz
déjame llorar.
Déjame llorar, por ti.
Déjame llorar.

Cuantas nostalgias durmiendo en el desván,
he declarado mi vida en soledad.
Hago canciones de amor que nunca olvido,
pues sobre nubes de otoño las escribo, solo.
Millones de hojas cayendo en tu cuerpo,
otoños de llanto goteando en tu piel...

Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila,
sobre una alfombra de hierba
ibas volando dormida.
un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida
con una lágrima tuya y una lágrima mía.
Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila
sobre una alfombra de hierba
ibas volando dormida.
Con una estrella fugaz te confundí la otra noche
y te pedí tres deseos
mientras duraba tu luz
déjame llorar.
Déjame llorar, por ti.
Déjame llorar.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 19:48:14 GMT

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one...

i can't take my mind out of you

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 02:18:31 GMT

it's hard for me to ignore everything.

the final post

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 14:33:09 GMT

Life sucks about now. Everything I have ever dreamed off is fading away, but there is still hope.

I haven't had the time for this since a long time, plus I don't have internet back at my place so it's hard to keep "you people" updated. I'm thinking of calling it quits since nobody ever reads this. The only reason I signed up for this is so that my boyfriend would always have a way of seeing me somehow.

So what has changed since the last update? Well everything is pretty much the same except that my one true love is questioning himself wether or not he trully loves me or not. He demands space and time to think about things. It's utterly painful for me, everything is tasteless, life seem to have no meaning at all anymore. I had totally dedicated my soul to this single person and suddenly this happens. Let's just hope for the best.

I really hope he makes the right choice and realize how much he means to me and how much this will change our lives forever.

I'm scared.

Upgrade is available

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 03:28:01 GMT

It's been like what?, a month since I last wrote about my personal life?

So I FINALLY have a job --no thanks to my sucky ass resumes, in fact Joey is the I should thank-- and it so happens to be an ice cream and treatery restaurant. I admit that I didn't want to work at a place like this, but hell I haven't had a good opportunity like this one in a long long time. The place was just opening and they were desperate for employees. The interview was more like an improvisation, I didn't know I was gonna get this job that same day, I didn't even know I was going to be interviewed. Joey was the one that pushed me all the way and for that I thank him so much.

Job rocks! Love the [original] manager Yanitza, she is da-BOMB!!! The other two I'm getting to like: Victor, who's shy, charming, dynamic attitude really helps out as a manager; and Kari-K-Kaly-K-K-Ka-Karly-FUCK! let's just call her the big round one for now, is kinda demanding, but The Owner totally put her in her place and now she's a real sweet one. I've met a lot of friends there, I'm pretty much liking all of them, except maybe for Jacob: he kisses my ass too much. I love working with Joey, sadly we don't get to see each other very often...they're suspecting I think...>_> Work itself is pretty dynamic, I'm always doing sumthing different. Making the ice cream, of course, is the best part of it all. Overall it's a heck of a fun time.

School is good also. Art history is super interesting, never knew how much fun history could be. Scored a 96 on philosophy class, drawn a lot at designing class, and got horribly criticized at digital photography class (hating the prof. by the way). I met this cool dude named Leo. I can totally see him as a promising friend. I'm sick and tired of Jose's lies, secrets, manipulations, etc, so I'm ignoring him for a long, long, long ass time. I haven't seen Neysha in a while, I really want to spend some brother and sister time with her. That's pretty much it for now I think. I'll try to write more often. Later taters.

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!!

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 02:24:39 GMT

This is like super special awesome!!! Today I had my first peanut butter jelly sandwich. Joey called this morning and told me he made one for me (which by the way totally made my day). It was like salty and sweet at the same time, the harmony between peanut butter and sweet sweet jelly is simply delicious. Oh, how I craved for moooooooooooore. [drools]

a little late for this, but...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:06:41 GMT

The warmth of your love’s
Like the warmth of the sun
And this will be our year,
Took a long time to come.

Don’t let go of my hand
Now the darkness is gone
And this will be our year,
Took a long time to come.

And I won’t forget the way you held me
Up when I was down.
And I won’t forget the way you said
“Darling, I love you.”

You gave me faith to go on,
Now we’re there,
And we’ve only just begun.
This will be our year,
Took a long time to come.

The warmth of your smile,
Smile for me little one.
And this will be our year,
Took a long time to come.

You don’t have to worry,
All your worry days are gone.
And this will be our year,
Took a long to come

And I won’t forget the way you held me
Up when I was down.
And I won’t forget the way you said
“Darling, I love you.”

You gave me faith to go on,
Now we’re there,
And we’ve only just begun.
This will be our year,
Took a long time to come.
Yeah, we’ve only just begun.
And this will be our year,
Took a long time to....

sunsetting...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:59:37 GMT

Yesterday after I enrolled at my college I wanted to see Joey so badly again. He parked his car where mine was and we were off to Plaza and from there we went to Condado. I love that city. There we sat on the sand and watched the waves crash on the shore. We fooled around and stuff, and after a while it got better. We kissed while lying on the sand for minutes, something I've been dying to do ever since ever. Romantic. I wanted to get soak with him, but we weren't properly dressed for the occasion. I love it when we don't plan out things, things always seem to go wrong when we do. I wanted to stay there for the rest of the night, but it was time for me to go to Ponce. That evening reminded me of the old days when I was in Cupey and we would always go out and have fun. I can't wait for classes to start.

Joey looked so natural on the beach. As if he was meant to be there with me in that sunset.

I love that man so much.

the departure

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 03:32:09 GMT

This house has felt like a funeral these past few days. My brother, my elder brother is leaving for Texas tomorrow and I won't be seeing him for five months or so. I've been avoiding this whole issue, but frankly it is I who will take him to the airport tomorrow morning, it's me who's gonna be the last one to say goodbye to him. This turns my insides upside down. I don't like to cry, don't like to show that deep down I'm very fragile and weak. I didn't want to be the one that takes him to his destination, I know I'm going to make a scene at the airport once I drop him there. God knows what I'll say to him before he leaves (if I'm not so chocked on my sobbing). I'll miss him so much.

Anniversary weekend :D

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 20:40:01 GMT

On Wednesday Josh, Joey and Jojo came to Ponce to pick me up so I can stay over at a friend's house for the weekend. This particular weekend was special cuz' it was our anniversary (by our I mean Joey's and mine) and Frances' birthday. It was so good to see Joey again, hugged him for as long as I could before Josh broke us up cuz' we had to leave. We went to Plaza, walked around and stuff, then we went to Carlos' place, talked and had a few laughs there, and then to Neysha's. I couldn't sleep that night out of anxiety, I wanted it to be august second already.

Day 1
[Honestly it's hard for me to write down everything that happened on our anniversary cuz' words can't describe most of the things, but I'll try :D]

The day started out a little rough actually, I waited for Joey to pick me up at Border's from Plaza Escorial and from there we would go to the beach. First of all let me start off by saying that this particular Borders sucks ASS: there is no plug-in for laptops or any electrical devices for that matter and the internet speed is slower than dial up. Anyway, I waited there for three hours or so wearing bathing suits til' Joey finally came and pick me up. He gave me the sad news that they fired him from Gap and I was thinking "of all the days it had to be this one", but what the heck, I wanted this day to go smooth and have a great time with Joey without anything ruining it. So we ate and bought a couple of things for the beach and we were off. The whole day was truly amazing. I wanted to show him how much I truly loved and missed him, and I still think I could have done better, but we had a great time. Perhaps the best day I've had since the very first time I laid eyes on him. At the evening we had dinner at Macaroni Grill and it was delicious. A very weird waiter attended us that night, but it didn't actually messed up the night more like just made it funnier. By the end of the night I wanted the day to never end, but we were stuffed and exhausted. I was thrilled we had so much fun together and it reminded me of how much happier I was being with him. I can't wait for classes to start so I can see him more often.

Day2
On friday I was very excited about Frances' birthday cuz it meant eating free food on a fancy restaurant while looking kick ass with Joey. Throughout the day we were fetching miscellaneous stuff for the party including the awesomely-looking cake for Frances. Skip to- we're arriving at old San Juan when we stumbled upon the mother of all traffic jams. We were on it for about an hour or so til' we finally managed to park and jog all the way up to the restaurant. Once we were finally there I noticed there was nobody I knew sitting on the table except Frances (which was looking stunning) and Lauralí (dunno if that's how you spell her name). Everyone was looking exceptional, except for me which bummed me out for a couple of minutes. The whole evening was rather slow. Joey was doing just fine talking with old buds while I waited impatiently for Josh to arrive so I can talk to someone else other than myself and my camera. Attentionless and bored I decided to take random pictures of the rather interesting food they served. Food was awesome. Probably the first time I've ever eating fancy food. Food was almost finished and it was finally time for the cake. Finally Josh, Gama and Jojo arrived and the cake was served. Short way to describe that cake: best damn cake I've ever eaten in my life. Sucks that most of the people didn't actually eat any of the food served there, but the cake was worth it. The entire night was a downfall and I was ready to go home the second I stepped out of that restaurant. Things took a turn for the worse when Jojo wanted to leave. And things really got ugly when three gay men are forced into a straight pub/pool bar...oh the humanity. Rest of the night was dull and boring, I wanted to go home and forget it all. A little bed never hurts.

Day3
I was expecting to go home today but it seemed nobody really had the time or the money for it. At least I had spare clothes for one more day. Spent most of the day bored and lonely. I cleaned Neysha's house (which is where I'm staying at for this weekend) as a sign of my appreciation for letting me stay over whenever I wanted. Played Wii with Neysha when she got home. I was happy we finally had quality time for each other, I really missed her. We talked about everything for hours and hours. We cooked together, ate and then she was off to bed. Work has been exhausting for her. Afterwards I was surprised by my friends Josh and Frances who arranged a movie night for midnight and they had Joey with them. Jackpot! I've been dying to see him all day! [Happy mode: On] Josh paid for the movie ticket and we went to see El Cantante. The movie was about the famous singer Hector Lavoe and all his life. I feel very proud of finally knowing who he was. I kinda felt like a degraded puertorican not knowing who he was and all. Joey loved the movie also, he sang every song on the movie plus he shook a little on his seat cuz' he wanted to dance so badly. So did I. The music was really moving and it pulsed through me the entire movie. I want Joey to teach me how to dance so badly...he's an excellent salsa dancer.

Day4
Totally random and unpredictable, that's how I would describe my blast day. I didn't know what was going to happen to me on this day. I needed to get back to Ponce, but nobody seemed to be available. Josh never answered the calls, nor did he call back, either way I didn't want him to take me back home cuz' he has already given me so much. Joey slept all day, I was taken aback by this (Joey never sleeps pass 10 am). And my parents didn't have money for gas. "Go with the flow", thats what i thought. So I went with Neysha and her girlfriend Angelique to Bellz outlets. Neysha wanted to buy something so badly, she said she hasn't bought anything in a while and she needed to spend money. We went to practically every store in the mall to browse around. Neysha ended up buying some clothes for her niece at the Gap outlet and the new Super Mario volleyball game. I had a very awkward encounter at the Gap. At first I didn't want to walk in there (seeing that a certain person knows how I look like, but I don't have a clue how this person looks like) and I didn't want cause anything for that matter, but Neysha was there and she always makes everything so much easier for me. So in we walked and immediately I spy three men, all of which Neysha swears they were gay. We headed for the baby clothing where Neysha found the most adorable clothes for her niece Yamilette while Angelique and I carefully analyzed each of the male workers. It was fun yet awful, all I can think was "Is that him?"..."is he here?". They were all attractive which made things even worse, they all looked better than me and somewhat intimidating. More questions ran through my head. Then I decided I had enough of this rubbish. I told Neysha I'd wait outside while she purchased her items, and on my way out I stumbled upon one of the male workers which gave me a surprising look and scattered away into the storage room. Angelique looked at him very suspiciously and back at me. She started to say things, but I immediately broke her off by changing the subject and marching out of the store. A few moments later they both walked out of the store and we were soon off to the apartment once more. There we played the new Wii game a couple of minutes before my dad called and asked Neysha to take me to Cayey, and from there he would pick me up. I hesitated at first, I hate to change Neysha's plans, but she didn't mind. On the way there I got to spend more quality time with Angelique, turns out she's loony as Neysha and maybe a bit more. We had a lot of laughs on or way to Cayey and even a few personal notes. Once at our destination I traded cars and I was soon off to Ponce where a soft cold bed waited for me in my room.

It's good to be home once again, but I miss Joey so much.

The first one [first update]

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 05:44:46 GMT

Ok I'm kinda in a hurry so I can't fill in the details. All I can say is that so far I'm having a blast on my anniversary and that the rest of it is gonna get even better. Can't wait~ Well I'm off to take a shower and make my bags for tomorrow! Good night!

As of lately...

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 06:47:14 GMT

This past week really felt like a month to me...

Carlos, a good friend who turned out to be more than a friend, offered me a job at a summer camp hosted held in the Arbergue Olimpico located in Salinas, Puerto Rico. I was set in charge of taking care of nine children from the ages of 11 and 12 years. I had to escort them throughout the whole facility so they would undergo a series of Olympic-related sports. I also had to watch over them as they bathe, just in case if one of them slip and fall. I had to do a million things for and with them. Exhausting is the right word for all of this, but in the end I fell in love with it. In all this I also learned a few sports. I loved arching, and fencing, I also loved badminton - kicked a teachers ass in it- and riffling, kayaking was awesome too. Met a lot of people and even managed to make new friends. I finally met Michael ( my friend's boyfriend) who turned out to be a great person. Helped me a lot when the stress was taking over me. Nasty little things children can do...Food was great over, yesterday they served king crab salad. I worked like a dog and ate like a pig. Sleeping time was the worst, mattresses were uncomfortable and the heat was unbearable. The children didn't cooperate either. I worked my ass off entirely. Hardly slept on tuesday, tuesday was camp night, on tuesday night we--the staff--watched over the kids as they slept on their cozy little sleeping bags. I hardly slept at all all week. I managed to get a good tan though, thats good right?

Between all this I suffered greatly the confusion of a situation. I cried constantly, suffered 24 hour nausea, felt light headed, and life itself became tasteless. I was terrified beyond comprehension. It was then when Carlos came to my rescue. I can never thank him enough for all that he did for me. If it weren't for him...well I can't really imagine the sort of situation I'd be in right now. I don't want to go over the details right now cuz' it isn't easy to write down. All I wish for is that sumthing like this never happens again. But it had to happen...right?

It's amazing how much control someone has over your life and how much you really need that person. I'm just grateful that everything turned out just how it should. Everything is back in order. Everything is where it should be. Everything is in balance. Light is back in my life. I feel like I should cry, but the tears aren't coming out for now. Joy is overwealming throughout my soul, but I'm tired and hungry right now. So this is it for now, I'm gonna eat sumthing and head back to sleep. I need my rest.

As for that certain person who interfered with my life and my love, I thank thee. For if it weren't for your meddling, the love of my life would have never learned this lesson. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, but don't take this as a welcome. Don't misunderstand me, for I don't ever want to lay eyes on you. Stay there trapped in my memories. Or as my brother would put it: "Burn in the cesspool of darkness, you CUR!!! LOLZ!" Good night.

I lost count already...

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 03:32:02 GMT

You watch the season pull up its own stage
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season
Fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liqour and
Cloudy eye
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the bottle flow, we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams are sure
And we all will sleep well
We'll sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart